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Of Ash and Soot

by Alex Wintersmith Lackey

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1.
I’ve been feeling somewhat strange But I’m coming back alive, down low And the looks are all the same Painted strangers like my dreams, where I know That I ain’t got nowhere left to go And I’m spinning out again Won’t you come around my friend A familiar exchange And love’s got a hold on me, let it end Looking out over lifeless sea The ripples verge on loveless waves once again But I ain’t got nowhere left to go Feeling swept along way down the road, pull me in And a stranger now I’ve been before A load of cracked old numbered locks ignored Hold my hand now darling don’t let me fade I see the fire raging it lacks my shame As smoke begins to call me by my name Take me down along the water it’s all the same You’re not a rival heart to me But it’s guarded, locked, and trapped inside Golden silhouettes I see I fear it’s all crumbling to dust before my eyes But you ain’t got nowhere left to go A bitter wind like ghosts coming far too close my friend The cold laid out and I feel it too A holy calm I see inside of you Hold my hand now darling don’t let me fade I see the fire raging it lacks my shame As smoke begins to call me by my name Take me down along the water it’s all the same
2.
Haunted 04:43
There was something you said But I can’t ask you again To lay it down and let me in While I drift on and on But forever’s too brief And please, don’t you ask me again To belong as a friend When you’re letting me go So please throw me a line while I long Feels like it’s pulling too strong I forgot what you sang in that song Euridyce please Won’t you lead me down Promise I won’t turn around ‘Til the light blend with the sound A lyre inside I hold But my feet touch the ground Allow me to hold what surrounds As if all around I allow So please throw me a line while I long Feels like it’s pulling too strong I forgot what you sang in that song That the breeze comes over too slow I’m alright in the grass ‘cause I know The soil from which we grow follows Now the past drifts into your eyes Haunted by the lights as they rise Above what’s realized But no more a fool that I could ever be Haunted by a dream as I slip Away from broken streams
3.
Once Before 03:52
I’ve said it once before, my heart is too along Been stumblin’ through this road of mine that’s paved in cobbled stone But I need you here tonight, help unleash my holy ghost I need a hand to hold my soul up, that’s what I need most Finally you know that you don’t have to go I hope you feel my heartbeat, that it’s not turned to stone But if it has been so, light a fire that burns it slow I’ve got a dollar you can spend so I don’t spend it alone Walking ‘round on Bryan street, I ain’t got no chance to leave Feeling weight of all the hurt that I’ve caused no chance of sweet relief But I need the circular sense of reality that’s cursed I’ve got some love that I hold on to, the smoke is always worse When it burns under my eyes, and it ain’t no big surprise ‘Cause it follows wherever I go but it’s hard to realize That is sums me up to size, take away my haunting lies I’ll let it go when I get home so I can fantasize And it’s thoughts like this that break me Spin me ‘round pick me up and shake me I’ve got life and I ain’t complaining I’ll cradle up and it might just save me I’ve said it once before, my heart is too alone Feel colors fade and feelings swell to a land of great unknown And metaphorically I wish that I could see But I like this more, unlock my door and throw away the key But I’ve got you in my sight, take away this blinding light I’d like to see your smiling face black-lit by stars tonight I’ll eat up all my pride, let you dive down deep inside ‘Cause I ain’t got no more good reasons, none more left to hide And it’s thoughts like this that break me Spin me ‘round pick me up and shake me I’ve got life and I ain’t complaining I’ll cradle up and it might just save me
4.
Biting my tongue it’s all raw from this song And it’s running right away from me But everything all at once breaking waves as they come I find it hard to even find a key Now all I need is some relief peering cold and obscene It goes as fast as it colors my dreams I’m slipping farther away another break in my day I’ll crash sometimes and it’s smoking like me But I’ll hold on I see you need some kind of a change And I said I’d burn the book but it broke my heart to hear you explain As Cain was to Abel I’m a form of a slave My life’s been tossed around like I didn’t care And I’d roll right on believing holding tight to misconceiving A sentence served as I light it and stare Translucent gripping air a feeling caught and domineered I find it hard to step out of this dream But unrelated is the truth and it’s ashing and bruised Find me waiting right beside what I need But I’ll hold on I see you need some kind of a change And I said I’d burn the book but it broke my heart to hear you explain I felt it in your voice and it felt like mine was shaking the same The cards are faded on the table turned to fables but you’re calling my name And I keep holding on but sometimes it’s just the smell of the rain That burns the pages torn and it broke my heart to see you this way I crumbled in your hands through your fingers but I never was whole The table is turned showing cards they don’t look right but your calling my name
5.
So alone, come on tell me where you’re going I once thought, but that was so far from what I was showing I guess I don’t blame you for what you’re doing Won’t you please leave the tracks since now it’s snowing But we never lined up like we hoped That’s my fault I guess now I know I couldn’t love you the way I wished I could Broken withdrawn, I guess it was all just smoke You said something but I could not relate Broken bottles remnants of my latest escape Could you hold me know since I’ve come undone I was hoping we weren’t there yet but now you’re gone But we never lined up like we hoped That’s my fault I guess now I know I couldn’t love you the way I wished I could Broken withdrawn, I guess it was all just smoke Since it’s all crumbled down to stones Walk with me by blazing embers alone Breaking the orbit I’ve gone too far to come home But we never lined up like we hoped That’s my fault I guess now I know I couldn’t love you the way I wished I could Broken withdrawn, I guess it was all just smoke And I was dreaming just the other day That your blue eyes were dripping flames But I think I knew then what I somewhat know now I just couldn’t love you I wish I knew how
6.
Ghost Town 06:04
This heart I’m running to breaks through this stone I’ve let go of it all except my bones So let it sail away it’s breaking waves I’d say, I’m home If it only made some sense I’d write it down And less a fool I’d be to make no sound But I’ll keep the orbit straight as long as you orchestrate aloud I feel for once it’s not something longed Not something haunting and pulling me along You’ll break out that heart and I’ll sing a song It’s lifting me up to where I belong Floating ‘round eternity it’s always been Etched dark in stone yet washed away with the wind I clutch to all I see yet let it drift through my dreams and it won’t end I feel for once it’s not something longed Not something haunting and pulling me along You’ll break out that heart and I’ll sing a song It’s lifting me up to where I belong Now I feel it all, it all at once Build up inside, in line for so long I’ll set me free, I’ll say I tried Spin out again, I swear to god I never lied, but that’s a lie I’ve let survive Reflecting through stained glass, a shattered scale I’ve been worse off since fighting tooth and nail Roll out my fated plans, I’ll hand them to the wind but I’ll fail This heart i’m running to breaks through this stone I’ve let go of it all except my bones But that was all a dream run by my clock it seems, and I’m alone I feel for once it’s not something longed Not something haunting and pulling me along You’ll break out that heart and I’ll sing a song It’s lifting me up to where I belong Now I feel it all, it all at once Build up inside, in line for so long I’ll set me free, I’ll say I tried Spin out again, I swear to god I never lied, but that’s a lie I’ve let survive
7.
I couldn’t bring myself to ask for forgiveness Or allow myself strength to carry on But after the smoke clears I’ll find my way back The simplest form I’ll write in this song Strike me down my friend I’ve got too much to say A lopsided heart I hold in my chest But after the wind dies let it echo in the hall Find me gazing like the rest Please ignore my mind it’s far too loud now There’s no other way you’ll come around All I ever wanted was all I’ve ever seen Singular rationale it seems Darkness feels like it’s lurking ‘round every corner A comforting friendship I still hold And nevermind that I call him by his first name I’ll send him out into that cold Please ignore my mind it’s far too loud now There’s no other way you’ll come around All I ever wanted was all I’ve ever seen Singular rationale it seems And how can it be that everything fades But leaves a trace out of sight And how can it be that I’m no longer doubtful That nothing ever dies, ever dies Please help me I’m blind it’s far too cloudy now The air is so damp and full of sound All I ever wanted was all I’ve ever seen A singular rationale it seems All I ever wanted was someone to believe And sing all these love songs to me
8.
Abstraction 05:02
My desired eloquence is driven by atmosphere Anxious to round a square And a fiend for all at once, a timid galiance I hold But still I’m never there I’ve been striking fires but I never seemed to like them A reservoir that cracks and starts the flood Ritualize the act I only wish that I could As the conflict deepens I’m a fool for all I see Guarded locked and I’m trapped, I no longer seem to need All I want is to open, bleed as freely as the sea But I’m haunted by all, loved and free I’ll never be Unadulterated dreams, I’m a fool to think I’m whole Ever lurking around my soul Engulfed in the violent void I’ve got a gorgeous tragedy All I want but unable to be The lights are out but the desperate fuse is lost now Abstracted by my loneliness to cling Ideals pulled by the thoughts I wished that I’d sing As the divide creeps in, I’m in love with all I see Guarded locked and I’m trapped, I can never find the key All I need is to frequent, thunder seems to stop the bleed But I’m still haunted by all, loved and free I’ll always be
9.
Thought I’d sail all my worries on down the road But it’s a cowboy land I’ve always been told I guess they knew it was all too good to be And now I’m stalled out in that Wyo cold I’m drinking bottle by bottle held up in that square A femme fatal I dragged through my despair I thought those demons were all now dead and gone But now they cling to me as they steal my air It was Rawlins to Laramie For the sake of life I just can’t see And both the angels and demons reach out for me And now I’m rollin’ down the road to Laramie Disillusioned, broken, raw and I’m on my way Engulfed in drowning my shame I’ll tuck it all away Visions of it all bleed into my soul But alas you’re much too far away Gravity pulls me back to life And I’m haunted by why I can’t see light The devil’s knocking down doors screaming let me in I guess he made some new points and now he’s here tonight So it’s out the door to see my Irish friend She lives across the lot, a pseudo Tucky grin And I’ll crawl if I have to there’s too much pain I see Atlantis now won’t you take me in Living bottle by bottle a rattle at my door A saving grace I’m bathed in a loving glow But all I can do is just bury my head I’ve been imploding so long I’m buried in the snow Now step by step and cry after cry I look around but it’s hazy and I can’t see why I’m so convinced to end up dead and gone But I’ll breathe it all out into that sunburnt sky It was Rawlins to Laramie I pulled the curtains ‘cross my eyes so I just wouldn’t see And both the angels and demons reach out for me But now I’m rolling down the road to SLC So it’s out the door to take one hard look I lived in motionless fire not left unshook And I’ll crawl if I have to there’s too much pain I’ll don a cloak of fear and rise out of ash and soot But it was Rawlins to Laramie Where I’d find a love, I just couldn’t see And Broken bottle by bottle I shattered by heart But I stumbled down the road back to SLC

about

This album is an extensive journaling of an extremely difficult time in my life, emotional and introspective.

credits

released March 14, 2020

All recording credits and kudos are owed to Terrence DH @ Counterpoint Studios. He's incredibly supportive and knowledgeable and I can't thank him enough.

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all rights reserved

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about

Alex Wintersmith Lackey Salt Lake City, Utah

Alex Wintersmith Lackey is a Salt Lake native who's been playing in bands across instruments and genres for 12+ years. This is his first official solo endeavor releasing an album abstractly themed around mental health and substance abuse. Alex is the sole songwriter and performer on this album. ... more

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